Till The World Ends.

It’s been more than 6months since I was last here. But I guess the end of the year does bring about some thoughts that I would like to keep a record of.

2011 has been a boring year by most standards. Having more or less adapted into life in the UK, I think it’s safe to say that the novelty of being overseas has worn off. Amongst the things that happened throughout the year, completing a term of office for Singsoc has been rather interesting. From the beginning before departure where I had qualms about being involved in Singsoc to the time of elections this year, many things have changed. The thing about change is that it always prompts us to wonder if we have changed or if the circumstances that we are in have changed. Without delving into that complex question, I have to say that I am thankful for the experience of working for UCLSS. Things never turn out according to plan but in that process, I have managed to learn alot along the way through working with diverse individuals. It’s not always smooth sailing but it has definitely always been enriching.

This year has also made me realize how short my time as a student is. Time is ticking away and I am already halfway through university. Work and career seemed like a distant reality to many of us when we are first years. We knew it’d eventually come up but not this soon. I guess there will always linger the question of if we are ready. Or how do we know that we are ready? Moving forward, I feel the need to constantly remind myself to enjoy student life as well as prepare for the road ahead.

2012 beckons. So focus and make it better than ever.

 

Beast Mode.

The academic year is drawing to a close. 9 months have gone by and yet it seems like just yesterday that I stepped into Heathrow at 7pm GMT. So much has happened in the last 9 months. Friendships have been lost and won. And at the end of it, it seems like it has come full circle in so many ways.

In this year, I have learnt to have a little more faith in people. Something I’ve always struggled in, for I know how dark the world can be. Thank you for teaching me to believe in people once again. But this is not about rounding the year up so I shall move on.

As the year draws to a close, things seemed to have changed for the better. But of course, I should have known better. As we make plans for the next year, I have realized once again how little respect some people deserve. To be honest, I don’t care who you are or how old you are, the moment you mess with me, I will push back.

It seems like 7 people are moving into an apartment for 4. Well, if they are so desperate to be there, I’d be willing to give up my space. Things are bordering to the point of ridiculous. And the only reason why I haven’t said anything is because I don’t want to put the other 3 in a tight spot. Is it really necessary to backseat drive even at this age? Really?! Counting the number of rice cookers we have for us, that’s so sweet of you guys!

It just reeks of mistrust of your children. And the funny thing is, each of you can still hypocritically whine to me about how others are “too protective” of their children. If you have a lack of confidence in the decisions your children make, please don’t take it out on them, by being overly critical and scolding them for even the slightest things. Instead, look in the mirror and ask yourself what mistakes you’ve made as a parent and how you can correct them. Taking your frustrations out on your children is not the right thing to do, for 3 main reasons:

1) You raised them. As a leader, you are accountable for those under you. The same concept applies here. The mistakes you think they make, or the bad decisions you think they chose, are all a result of your teaching. So don’t blame them for failing you, because you failed them first.

2) You want to fix the problem, not make it worse. Taking out your frustrations on your children will not solve the problem. Do you think it’s possible to respect someone who screams at you for the slightest things? Or who doesn’t trust you at all to make your own decisions?

3) Children are the future. As cheesy as this sounds, the future belongs to the youth. And while all you can look forward to is the end of your life, children have dreams and expectations of the future. They have things worth fighting for. To wound their confidence like that just pisses me off. Who are you to say that they can’t accomplish something? Why don’t you do something more productive like dig your own grave?

There is always a limit. And once you hit it, the only thing left to do is to pray that God saves you.

Cos God knows I won’t.

At Some Point, Every Rose Has to Die.

She’s still alive, but she’s barely breathing. Never did she think that this day would come. The day when she looked back and there was no one left behind.

For some, that day seems like it will never come. For others, that day might have arrived long ago. We often fail to recognise the power of the herd. But ultimately, she knew that when it comes down to it, she was just not one of them. She was the first to be sacrificed. Make no mistake, you are never safe. She made that mistake.

That feeling lingers in your head and you can never quite get rid of it. The feeling of never really belonging. On some days, she handles it better than others. But it’s like a shadow, you don’t always notice it, but it is always there.

What do you do then, when it seems like it’s the end of the road? The fear might paralyze you. The pain might hurt you. The uncertainty might throw you off guard. But know it’s not the end. Know that as long as you have breath left in you, you’ll be alright.

Lying face down in the dirt might be an entirely new feeling to you. Never have you felt such pain or humiliation. But damn it, get up on your feet. Get up. Wipe the blood and sweat and dirt off your face. You might be broken. You might feel overwhelmed. But no one wants to hear that. So, shut up. And do what you do best. Shut up.

And march on.

Message to a Friend.

There are times in our lives when we feel like we have been pushed to the edge. We are forced by circumstances to make a certain decision. A decision that could potentially alter the course of our lives. The helplessness can feel as if all the air in the room has been sucked out, leaving you gasping for breath.

Most of us just make the decision. We allow the circumstances to shape us and from there, we work with what little we have left.

But when life pushes you to the edge, it is no longer sufficient to stand your ground.

It’s time to push back.

2011.

Today is the first day of 2011. 2011 has been a year that I’ve been looking forward to.

As we grow up, we become accustomed to our comfort zones. People tend to steer clear of the things that they are not good in, and focus on their strengths. For example, there are people whom you will see who will never play sports or never pick up a musical instrument. It is, of course, a natural human tendency. It protects us from the bitter taste of failure.

This year, I will do the very things that I am weak in. This year, I will focus on my weaknesses. Without going into specifics, I will force myself to learn new things, I will force myself to do the things that I know I cannot do well. In a way, I would like to prove a point to myself.

I will seek to be more of understanding this year as well. Trust has to be earned and few can say to have done that. Everyone has their own motives and most of the time, I can see it oh so clearly. The people who are questioningly nice to you are the people you have to be wary of the most. Trust is earned by actions and not words. I will work at having more faith in the people around me. I already know this is going to be probably the most difficult challenge for me. But then again, if I never try, I’ll never know I guess.

Finally, I will be more thankful this year. Thankful for the awesome people I have in my life, family and friends. Thankful for the opportunities that I have. I will not take anything for granted.

2011 looks like it’s going to be a life changing year.

I might not be ready for everything that it’s going to throw at me.

But I’m sure as hell looking forward to it.

Never Felt So Strong.

It’s that time of the year once again. It’s the time to look back and reflect on how the past 365 days were spent. The end of the year is usually supposed to be a festive period. With Christmas and New Year in close proximity, it’s the time when people get together with their families. Students are on vacation and working adults use up their annual leave in order to take an extended break over the week or two. It is a time of reunion, a time of coming home to where it all began.

Then again, this is also the time when we look back upon the things we have done. Some done well, and others handled poorly. We all want to lead lives with no regrets but you come to an age when you realize that it’s an impossible task. What do you do then? I guess all we can do is try our best. We make the choices we know are the best and then deal with the consequences that come along with them. Occasionally, we might doubt ourselves. We might say, “Hang on, did I make the right choice?” If we know that given the information and situation then, it was the best decision we could think of, then we should simply accept that we tried our best.

We are constantly pressurized by our family, our peers and our environment to make the best choices, to make the right decisions when it comes down to crunch time. In these moments, we often forget that to err is human. It is the questionable decisions that we make that are etched in our memories, that make us stronger and wiser and eventually, a better person. It is the decisions we question, that we learn the most from.

This year has taught me so much. In a sense, it has taught me alot more about the people around me as compared to the years before. Some things are within your control and then there are the things that are not. Most of the time, people end up worrying about the things out of their control. It’s happened to me this year as well. But I guess I have learnt to focus more on the things that matter. Having faith in yourself is important, especially at a point when you feel like no one else does. It is only through independence that you gain strength. The things that drive you crazy will make you stronger. The important part is to never give up, even when it hurts like hell. Cos if you are not going to fight for yourself, who will?

Right now, it is time to focus on the things that need to be done. I can already feel the winter break slipping through my fingers. And I am determined to put  an end to that. Game face on.

Bring it, world.

 

Not A Thing That I Would Change.

So much has happened since the last time I wrote. Where to begin? Time seems to fly by here. In two weeks’ time, winter break will be upon us. Half of our academic year will be done. Just one more half to go and then the exams will be upon us. They say time flies when you are having fun. I guess every step of these last 3 months has been eventful. I wouldn’t say it has been all fun and excitement. Undoubtedly, there have been good times, there also have been not so good times. But still, I am thankful for everything that has happen because it has allowed me to find out more about myself, to realize the flaws and weaknesses that would otherwise go unnoticed. It is only when we are out of our element that we truly begin to discover who we really are.

My eyes have been opened to how bad a friend I can be. I try my best to not let you down. But then again, there are still times when I fail. I have in a sense, become complacent. I have not cherished the people who matter. Instead, I have been focusing on the things that don’t matter as much. Somehow, along the way, I have built up those walls once again. Perhaps it was the initial stage where getting to know people was quite difficult. Whatever it is, I make no excuses for the mistakes I’ve made. At this moment, all that is left to do is to pick up what’s left behind. It is to make the best of what I have. I make no promises to fix everything. But I will try to be better.

Every Warrior of the Light has felt afraid of going into battle. Every Warrior of the Light has, at some time in the past, lied or betrayed someone. Every Warrior of the Light has trodden a path that was not his. Every Warrior of the Light has suffered for the most trivial of reasons. Every Warrior of the Light has, at least once, believed he was not a Warrior of the Light. Every Warrior of the Light has failed in his spiritual duties. Every Warrior of the Light has said ‘yes’ when he wanted to say ‘no.’ Every Warrior of the Light has hurt someone he loved. That is why he is a Warrior of the Light, because he has been through all this and yet has never lost hope of being better than he is.

Now, it’s time to get back to work.